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Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Character: Ian

  • Panel One: Ian on the phone with his mom. The room shows a desk with books and a laptop, and there’s two windows. Ian - It looks like I have a chance to work with a government client, but they have a pretty serious security check. Mom - Don’t worry about passing that; it’s ME that would get flagged. Pane Two: Same scene. Ian - Well, that’s not good Mom, because I’m… Your… Son. Mom - LIE. Panel Three: Ian being interviewed at a different time of day in the same room. Ian - …Mom’s only wrong doing was buying Arby’s Five for Five deal and giving me one. But I’ve learned to forgive.

    Security Clearance

    Jun 07, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at the hospital, inside a patient room. He sits on a hospital bed with his hands held together and slumped over, looking anxious. A doctor is in the chair next to the bed, reading off a clipboard with papers folded over the top. Doctor - So it turns out that your insurance isn’t going to cover this visit. Ian - Why not? Panel Two: Same scene, but no background Dr. - Well, they’re telling me that you should have realized… …terriyaki chicken, beans, and trail mix don’t belong in a burrito; …they belong in the trash. Panel Three: Same scene, Ian is more hunched over, looking sad. Dr. - And if you recall, they had a similar opinion about the lucky charms, grilled cheese sandwich. Ian - Yeah…

    Feeding Myself

    May 07, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at a cafe table. Ian - I thought I may have appendicitis, but it turns out... ...I just accidentally had regular milk that morning. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian - Anyway, if they didn't put oat milk in this coffee... ...we’ll know when I start farting uncontrollably. Panel Three: Zoom out to show the full cafe. In front there’s a sign that says, “Speed Dating Today!” Ian (Unseen from inside the building) - And trust me, the farting is even worse at night. I’ve had to burn my sheets the next morning more than once.

    Lightning Round

    Apr 05, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian holding up his boxer briefs in the bathroom. His cellphone is shown ringing on a nearby table. Ian - Well, you finally have more holes than when I bought you - I guess it’s time to save up for a replacement. Phone - (email notification) Panel Two: Ian is reading his email. Email - From Work, To Ian - Your next paycheck will be increased by 5% in response to inflation. Regards, Administrator Ian - Yowza! My wallet's suddenly burning MORE holes in my pocket! Panel Three: Ian is looking affronted on a luxury car lot. He has a monocle and top hat for some reason. Salesman - …sir I can tell you need new underwear more than you need a Mercedes. Ian - Well I say, clearly you aren’t acquainted with the eccentricities of new money my dear boy! Salesman - You also forgot to put on pants.

    Money Hole

    Mar 08, 2024

  • Panel One Ian is getting avocados at a grocery store, and a black woman approaches him. Woman - Excuse me? How tall are you? Ian looks non-plussed. - Uh….five six? Panel Two Same scene. Woman - Oh. My friends are setting me up with someone five nine, and you seem tall enough - so I guess I wouldn’t mind him. Ian - (says nothing, but looks bewildered) Panel Three Game Show stage. The title is “Is it Flirting?” Host - Well, what do you think? Ian - I’m going to say “No” - I’m pretty sure she just didn’t know what rulers are.

    One Imperial Ian

    Feb 07, 2024

  • Panel 1: Ian, Aly, and Sean are wrapping up lunch at the Deckhand. Ian: Somehow our lunch turned into an endurance eating competition. But I will finish this poboy even if it kills me. Panel 2: Ian has collapsed onto the table. Bus Boy: Can I get you guys any togo boxes? Sean: Actually, my brother will need a stretcher and defibrillation when you get a chance. Panel 3: Ian is getting shocked into consciousness in the background, his body arching from electrocution. The sound effect “ZZZZT” comes from the defibrillation paddles. In the foreground, another customer, an old lady, is looking at a menu and speaking to her waiter. Ian: SHRIMP Other customer: Hmm. I’ll have what that table is having.

    The Deckhand

    Dec 08, 2023

  • Panel One: Ian is at a restaurant booth, holding a drink in one hand and dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole with his other. There’s a bowl of chips on the table next to the dip. Ian - I’m not really a fan of Cinco de Mayo. Panel Two: Same scene, but Ian is leaning in and smiling. Ian - I think I’d be more excited about Cuatro de Ketchup to be honest. Panel Three: Ian is dressed in a suit and tie and pretty blonde woman is presenting him with a bronze bust of Mark Twain. Ian waves to a crowd that is lighting him up with camera flashes. Presenter - It was pretty close, but that previous panel… …locked you in to win this Mark Twain Humor prize!

    Cinco De Mayo

    Nov 04, 2023

  • Sunday Format: Panel One Ian is moving to Texas. Narrator: How people view Texas Apartment Manager - Well welcome to your new home! How many guns do you need to register? Ian - Oh? I don’t have any. Panel Two The Clerk hands Ian a gun. Ian looks scared. Clerk - It's dangerous to go alone! Take this. Panel Three Ian is walking by a Dairy Hut. There’s a poster for a Churro Dipped Cone in the store window. Ian - What in tarnation? Panel Four Ian - Yaaah hoo! Ian is begins shooting two six shooters into the sky. Panel Five A cop responds, angrily holding out his hand while preparing to draw his own gun. Cop - Y’all need to lower your weapon and explain yourself! Ian - I just found out there’s Churro Dipped Cones at Dairy Hut! Panel Six The cop begins firing two sidearms into the air. Cop - What?! Panel Seven An old lady letting loose a tommy gun into the air. Her walker is in front of her Lady - Churro Cones Y’all! Panel Eight Narrator: How Texas actually is… Ian - If I buy an ice cream cone I probably can’t afford rent… …y’all.

    Churro Dipped Texas

    Oct 06, 2023

  • Panel 1: Ian is addressing a city council, speaking from a podium. Ian - It may be a point of pride to "Keep Austin Weird", but I ask this city council to show it's gumption by even keeping it “Austin”! Panel 2: Narration Box: A Year Later… A man is getting into a yellow taxi cab Man - I’m in a hurry! head to downtown Austin. Driver - That’s going to be a problem, since today it’s called something else. Panel 3: The Man sighs in exasperation and looks down. Man - Really? Fine. Can you take me to…Funkytown?

    Gumption

    Sep 01, 2023

  • Panel One Ian is getting an eye exam. His chin rests on a stand while an optometrist exams his eyes. Optometrist - Your vision is awful, but we can fix you. We have the technology. Panel Two Narration Box - Surgery Day Ian is in a hospital gown in a hospital room, sitting up on the bed. The doctor is showing him a piece of paper. Doctor - Ready to see better? Just sign this waiver that lets me off the hook if I make your vision worse! I’ll still get paid of course! Panel Three Ian is is running away down the hospital corridor. A red EKG heart line is seen in the background a la “The Six Million Dollar Man”. The doctor is leaning out the open door, holding up a pair of glasses. Doctor - Come on! You’ll only owe thousands of dollars, even with your insurance! Now how about a pair of $1500 glasses?

    In Network, Out of Money

    Aug 04, 2023

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Legal Notice

Unfed Artist ® and the Unfed Artist Logo are Registered Trademarks of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images © Copyright Unfed Artist, LLC. unless otherwise indicated. All Rights Reserved.

Tags

advice album artist award burritos cafe car christmas coffee comic comic-strip cookies crowd dating doctor dog dollar guns Hair health insurance hospital humor Ian insurance internet Job laptop milk Mom music office Phone pool reindeer restaurant sandwich Santa Sean Security surgery swimming The Matrix The Mix TIWC top hat

Characters

Admiral Pop aliens art teacher Barber Bougainvillea Candidate Captain Ian Cheesy Cleaners Client climber Collin cow Cowboys Diplomats Doctor Dr. Bison Gary George Washington Harvey Hobbit Hurricane Ian Ian Inspirasaurus Jaws Learning Monster mole Mom Mr. Jumper Pokey Pop Priest Priestess Professor Mix Quinoa Cowboy Radioactive Turbo Sloth rock Santa Sean senator Susie The Mix Tourists Villagers Wagon

Locations

Amity Island apartment Art Class Austin Bagel Town Barber Shop body Bookstore Cafe Car Dealer Church Factory Florida Graveyard Grocery Store Hospital House kitchen mail room mall Medical School molehill Mountain movie theater North Pole Oak Bluffs Ocean Office outdoors park Plane Pool Restaurant School Space taxi Texas The Construct The Deckhand The Lair Tortilla Office United Nations Vale of Dunderhead Washington DC Wild West
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