Panel One: Ian on the phone with his mom. The room shows a desk with books and a laptop, and there’s two windows. Ian - It looks like I have a chance to work with a government client, but they have a pretty serious security check. Mom - Don’t worry about passing that; it’s ME that would get flagged. Pane Two: Same scene. Ian - Well, that’s not good Mom, because I’m… Your… Son. Mom - LIE. Panel Three: Ian being interviewed at a different time of day in the same room. Ian - …Mom’s only wrong doing was buying Arby’s Five for Five deal and giving me one. But I’ve learned to forgive.
Posted on June 7, 2024
Panel One: Ian at the hospital, inside a patient room. He sits on a hospital bed with his hands held together and slumped over, looking anxious. A doctor is in the chair next to the bed, reading off a clipboard with papers folded over the top. Doctor - So it turns out that your insurance isn’t going to cover this visit. Ian - Why not? Panel Two: Same scene, but no background Dr. - Well, they’re telling me that you should have realized… …terriyaki chicken, beans, and trail mix don’t belong in a burrito; …they belong in the trash. Panel Three: Same scene, Ian is more hunched over, looking sad. Dr. - And if you recall, they had a similar opinion about the lucky charms, grilled cheese sandwich. Ian - Yeah…
Posted on May 7, 2024
Panel One: Ian at a cafe table. Ian - I thought I may have appendicitis, but it turns out... ...I just accidentally had regular milk that morning. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian - Anyway, if they didn't put oat milk in this coffee... ...we’ll know when I start farting uncontrollably. Panel Three: Zoom out to show the full cafe. In front there’s a sign that says, “Speed Dating Today!” Ian (Unseen from inside the building) - And trust me, the farting is even worse at night. I’ve had to burn my sheets the next morning more than once.
Posted on April 5, 2024
Panel One: Ian holding up his boxer briefs in the bathroom. His cellphone is shown ringing on a nearby table. Ian - Well, you finally have more holes than when I bought you - I guess it’s time to save up for a replacement. Phone - (email notification) Panel Two: Ian is reading his email. Email - From Work, To Ian - Your next paycheck will be increased by 5% in response to inflation. Regards, Administrator Ian - Yowza! My wallet's suddenly burning MORE holes in my pocket! Panel Three: Ian is looking affronted on a luxury car lot. He has a monocle and top hat for some reason. Salesman - …sir I can tell you need new underwear more than you need a Mercedes. Ian - Well I say, clearly you aren’t acquainted with the eccentricities of new money my dear boy! Salesman - You also forgot to put on pants.
Posted on March 8, 2024
Panel One Ian is getting avocados at a grocery store, and a black woman approaches him. Woman - Excuse me? How tall are you? Ian looks non-plussed. - Uh….five six? Panel Two Same scene. Woman - Oh. My friends are setting me up with someone five nine, and you seem tall enough - so I guess I wouldn’t mind him. Ian - (says nothing, but looks bewildered) Panel Three Game Show stage. The title is “Is it Flirting?” Host - Well, what do you think? Ian - I’m going to say “No” - I’m pretty sure she just didn’t know what rulers are.
Posted on February 7, 2024
Panel One: A reindeer is standing upright, performing a safety brief in front of Santa as Santa sits in his sleigh, holding green reins. A recorded voice plays behind Santa Recorded Voice - Hello, and welcome aboard. Please focus your attention to sleigh crew for important flight information. Santa - Do we really need to do this? Panel Two: The reindeer is holding up a sign that shows a glass of milk and a single cookie with a red crossed out circle laid over them. Recorded Voice - Refreshments will not be served, because someone is fueling up on enough cookies and milk already. Santa (appearing shocked, and having dropped the reins) - HEY! I CAN’T HELP BEING LACTOSE INTOLERANT! Panel Three: The reindeer points to a no “ho-ho-ho” sign, which has lit up on the sleigh dash. The reindeer is tapping the sleigh next to the sign. Recorded Voice - During moments of high annoyance the reindeer will turn on the no ho-ho-ho light. Santa (points his thumb back at himself) - Well, buckle up Blitzen, because I only know one track and it’s on repeat!
Posted on December 24, 2023
Panel 1: Ian, Aly, and Sean are wrapping up lunch at the Deckhand. Ian: Somehow our lunch turned into an endurance eating competition. But I will finish this poboy even if it kills me. Panel 2: Ian has collapsed onto the table. Bus Boy: Can I get you guys any togo boxes? Sean: Actually, my brother will need a stretcher and defibrillation when you get a chance. Panel 3: Ian is getting shocked into consciousness in the background, his body arching from electrocution. The sound effect “ZZZZT” comes from the defibrillation paddles. In the foreground, another customer, an old lady, is looking at a menu and speaking to her waiter. Ian: SHRIMP Other customer: Hmm. I’ll have what that table is having.
Posted on December 8, 2023
Panel One: Ian is at a restaurant booth, holding a drink in one hand and dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole with his other. There’s a bowl of chips on the table next to the dip. Ian - I’m not really a fan of Cinco de Mayo. Panel Two: Same scene, but Ian is leaning in and smiling. Ian - I think I’d be more excited about Cuatro de Ketchup to be honest. Panel Three: Ian is dressed in a suit and tie and pretty blonde woman is presenting him with a bronze bust of Mark Twain. Ian waves to a crowd that is lighting him up with camera flashes. Presenter - It was pretty close, but that previous panel… …locked you in to win this Mark Twain Humor prize!
Posted on November 4, 2023
Sunday Format: Panel One Ian is moving to Texas. Narrator: How people view Texas Apartment Manager - Well welcome to your new home! How many guns do you need to register? Ian - Oh? I don’t have any. Panel Two The Clerk hands Ian a gun. Ian looks scared. Clerk - It's dangerous to go alone! Take this. Panel Three Ian is walking by a Dairy Hut. There’s a poster for a Churro Dipped Cone in the store window. Ian - What in tarnation? Panel Four Ian - Yaaah hoo! Ian is begins shooting two six shooters into the sky. Panel Five A cop responds, angrily holding out his hand while preparing to draw his own gun. Cop - Y’all need to lower your weapon and explain yourself! Ian - I just found out there’s Churro Dipped Cones at Dairy Hut! Panel Six The cop begins firing two sidearms into the air. Cop - What?! Panel Seven An old lady letting loose a tommy gun into the air. Her walker is in front of her Lady - Churro Cones Y’all! Panel Eight Narrator: How Texas actually is… Ian - If I buy an ice cream cone I probably can’t afford rent… …y’all.
Posted on October 6, 2023
Panel 1: Ian is addressing a city council, speaking from a podium. Ian - It may be a point of pride to "Keep Austin Weird", but I ask this city council to show it's gumption by even keeping it “Austin”! Panel 2: Narration Box: A Year Later… A man is getting into a yellow taxi cab Man - I’m in a hurry! head to downtown Austin. Driver - That’s going to be a problem, since today it’s called something else. Panel 3: The Man sighs in exasperation and looks down. Man - Really? Fine. Can you take me to…Funkytown?
Posted on September 1, 2023
Panel One Ian is getting an eye exam. His chin rests on a stand while an optometrist exams his eyes. Optometrist - Your vision is awful, but we can fix you. We have the technology. Panel Two Narration Box - Surgery Day Ian is in a hospital gown in a hospital room, sitting up on the bed. The doctor is showing him a piece of paper. Doctor - Ready to see better? Just sign this waiver that lets me off the hook if I make your vision worse! I’ll still get paid of course! Panel Three Ian is is running away down the hospital corridor. A red EKG heart line is seen in the background a la “The Six Million Dollar Man”. The doctor is leaning out the open door, holding up a pair of glasses. Doctor - Come on! You’ll only owe thousands of dollars, even with your insurance! Now how about a pair of $1500 glasses?
Posted on August 4, 2023
Panel 1 Ian looks at a photo of his great grandmother. The photo is an aged, black and white image of a heavy-set old woman, holding up a healthy boy sucking his fingers. Ian - My word - she looks like she fought off bandits, while cooking dinner for grandmom, and shoeing the horses all at the same time! Panel 2 Ian - Those were simpler times… Panel 3 Ian - I wonder what my descendants will say when they see my picture? Panel 4 Narration Box: THE FUTURE A young woman with a cybernetic arm, looking at a holographic photo of Ian, which is being projected holographically from her hand, The background shows windows looking out to a futuristic cityscape. Emaline - My word… Panel 5 Same scene, but she has turned to talk to someone. Emeline - He looks like he wasted most of his time on YouTube and Reddit… …and never really accomplished anything except finishing a few video games? Panel 6 Emeline - I’m guessing he’s also cried during Pixar films? Panel 7 The scene shifts to show an older Ian in a gray hoodie, using a cane. The windows behind him show more of the futuristic cityscape. Emaline is seen from behind looking at the picture of Ian Ian (very old) - You wanted to know why we’re clones. I warned you knowing isn’t worth the cost of therapy. Panel 8 The scene returns to Ian in present day; moments after panel 3. Ian - I hope they’re impressed!
Posted on July 7, 2023
Panel One: Ian is wearing a full on Aladdin costume, driving a brown Jeep with Sean, who is in the passenger seat. Sean is bald, wearing a blue shirt and has a goatee with a white beard. Ian (singing with one hand held up out of the driver side window): You can show me around! I just moved here and I’m clueless. Tell me brother, where is a Cheba Hut from where we are? Panel Two: Same scene. Sean (points while singing in response): It’s over there! About 15 miles by car-pet ride. Panel 3:: Sean stops singing and looks sternly at Ian. A capuchin monkey has appeared and is bearing it’s teeth as it looks out the front of the Jeep. Sean: Now can you please put on normal clothing? This is Texas. We’re going to get shot.
Posted on May 26, 2023
Panel One: Ian is hanging out with unseen companion at a grocery store. They’re in the frozen food section. Ian - This is the ice cream I’m talking about! I don’t know how they do it but it’s delicious and easy to scoop right out of the freezer. Panel Two: Sean - Do they add some special additive? What are the ingredients? Ian - Man, I don’t know, I just shove it into my mouth, it’s gotten me this far. Panel Three: Narration Box: …eventually… Cut to Ian’s tombstone - Here Lies Ian - “I just shove it into my mouth, it’s gotten me this far.”
Posted on April 30, 2023
Unfed Artist_237_Main Ingredient is Danger Unfed Artist and Unfed Artist Logo ® Registered Copyrights of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images copyright © 2023 Unfed Artist, LLC
Posted on March 24, 2023
Panel One: Ian looks down over his blackout prep stuff. There is a backpack, a tow strap, a water bottle, a fuel bottle and a camping stove. Ian: Well that was really expensive, but I think I'm prepared for the next blackout. Panel Two: The power goes out, and the whole scene is suddenly cast in a dark blue hue. Panel Three: Ian has lit a match, and the light from the flame is casting an orange hue over the scene. The shadows are harsh. Ian: ...and I guess I am also prepared for being unable to afford the power bill after buying all this nonsense.
Posted on March 3, 2023
Unfed Artist - 235 - Serial Influencer Unfed Artist and Unfed Artist Logo ® Registered Copyrights of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images copyright © 2023 Unfed Artist, LLC
Posted on February 17, 2023
Unfed Artist - 234 - Reason to Live
Posted on January 28, 2023
Unfed Artist - 233 - The Gift Keeps Giving
Posted on December 9, 2022
Unfed Artist - 232 - Lifeguards Assemble!
Posted on November 25, 2022
Unfed Artist - 231 - Terminology
Posted on November 11, 2022
230 -Tortilla Encounter Unfed Artist and Unfed Artist Logo ® Registered Copyrights of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images copyright © 2022 Unfed Artist, LLC
Posted on October 28, 2022
Unfed Artist - 229 - Swimming On Up
Posted on October 21, 2022
Unfed Artist - 228 - Ian In Florida Unfed Artist and Unfed Artist Logo ® Registered Copyrights of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images copyright © 2022 Unfed Artist, LLC
Posted on October 7, 2022
Unfed Artist® 227 - Rhymes with Holy Unfed Artist and Unfed Artist Logo ® Registered Copyrights of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images copyright © 2022 Unfed Artist, LLC
Posted on September 30, 2022
Unfed Artist - The Legend of Dunderhead
Posted on August 26, 2022
Unfed Artist - 225 - A Name to Reckon With
Posted on August 12, 2022
Unfed Artist - 224 - Dancing with Danger
Posted on July 29, 2022
Unfed Artist - Mis Pantalones Verdes
Posted on July 15, 2022
Unfed Artist - Tasteful
Posted on July 8, 2022