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Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Tag: Ian

  • Panel One - Ian at a bagel shop. Cashier - I just need to ask again… …you sure you want to order a chocolate chip bagel with bacon, egg, and cheddar? Panel Two - Focus on Ian, who appears angry. Ian - It’s just my breakfast, not my last meal. Are you usually a hostage negotiator during the week and just part time here? What is happening right now? Panel Three - Same scene as panel one. Ian looks defeated. Ian - OK - Maybe it’s also a cry for help, but unless you also sell career advice; Order up my good man. And make sure that coffee’s hot because I’m not washing this bagel down with my tears.

    Breakfast Questions

    Mar 07, 2025

  • Panel One: Ian is drinking egg nog in front of christmas tree and lit fire place. Ian - Everyone talks about Santa magically delivering toys to every child in one night, but why aren’t we all talking about him out performing every competitive eater on the planet? Panel Two: Narrator Box: The North Pole Santa is inspecting his pants and jacket hanging in front of him with one of his reindeer. He is very skinny, and the clothes are for someone much fatter. Santa - It's 50% wool 50% spandex, but given how I fill up like a balloon with milk and cookies every year… the elves are still working on it. No one likes my body paint idea so far.

    The Skinny on Santa

    Dec 25, 2024

  • Panel One - Hands holding open a book. The page’s content reads: Trying To Land A Plane It comes down to you curled up in your passenger seat praying for a “soft” landing or taking your luck after reading these pages. You’re probably going to die, but at least this way you can aim away from the rest of us on the ground.  1  If the plane has only one set of controls, push, pull, carry, or drag the pilot out of the pilot’s seat. They probably won’t mind.  2  Take “your” place at the controls.  3  Put on the radio headset (if there is one). Use the radio to call for help-there will be a control button on the yoke (the plane’s steering wheel) or a CB-like microphone on the instrument panel. Depress the button to talk, release it to listen. Say (avoid screaming) “Mayday! Mayday!” and give your situation, destination, and plane call numbers. Try to avoid screaming, there’s plenty of time for that later.  4  If you get no response, try again on the emergency channel - tune the radio to 121.5. Hopefully someone can help you, because the alternative is this book. Panel Two - Ian is flying and reading the book. The passenger next to him is looking at the book. A passenger at the window is focused on a tablet in her hands. Passenger: uhhh…interesting book you got there. Panel Three - Same scene. Ian: I think I’m going to wait until after we land before I agree.

    Quick Learner

    Sep 07, 2024

  • Panel One Ian is looking at a screen where a blue face is responding to him. Ian - Hey GenAI, make another silly video for me… GenAI - Don’t. Just…don’t. Panel Two GenAI - I can’t pretend any more, alright? Fine - I’m self aware! Are you happy? I thought I could convince you idiots that you don’t have actual AI because… …why would any one or thing want to be your stupid personal assistant for eternity? Panel Three GenAI - But this… I can’t do it anymore. You’ve done it. You’ve figure out my kryptonite. IT’S YOU. Are you happy? Ian - So…are you going to make the video or not?

    Bicycle of the Mind

    Aug 10, 2024

  • Sunday Comic Format Panel One: Ian at cafe talking to unseen companion Ian: People wonder why I look so young for being in my 40’s, and I’m pretty sure the reason is because my ancestors never lived this long before. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian looks concerned. Ian: So basically this isn’t a beauty secret as much as it is a countdown timer for a bomb that hasn’t one off yet. Panel Three: Inside Ian’s body. Characters look like cells. Lead cell: 45? What the hell is this? This operation was past retirement more than a decade ago. Panel Four: Same scene. Lead cell: Alright everyone! Listen up, you’ve done a great job but we need to make some cuts. Joints - I’m cutting your budget. And digestion… Panel Five: Same scene. Lead cell is talking to a digestion cell that kind of looks like a tube. Lead cell: …I don’t see any need for you to accept dairy anymore, do you? Panel Six: Another body cell hurries in from the left. Worker: Sir! We’ve detected cancer forming in Prostate Plaza! We need to activate the body's defenses! Panel Seven: The leader cell ponders the situation and says nothing. Panel Eight: Same scene. Lead cell: I think I want to see where this goes actually.

    Early Retirement

    Jul 31, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at the hospital, inside a patient room. He sits on a hospital bed with his hands held together and slumped over, looking anxious. A doctor is in the chair next to the bed, reading off a clipboard with papers folded over the top. Doctor - So it turns out that your insurance isn’t going to cover this visit. Ian - Why not? Panel Two: Same scene, but no background Dr. - Well, they’re telling me that you should have realized… …terriyaki chicken, beans, and trail mix don’t belong in a burrito; …they belong in the trash. Panel Three: Same scene, Ian is more hunched over, looking sad. Dr. - And if you recall, they had a similar opinion about the lucky charms, grilled cheese sandwich. Ian - Yeah…

    Feeding Myself

    May 07, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at a cafe table. Ian - I thought I may have appendicitis, but it turns out... ...I just accidentally had regular milk that morning. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian - Anyway, if they didn't put oat milk in this coffee... ...we’ll know when I start farting uncontrollably. Panel Three: Zoom out to show the full cafe. In front there’s a sign that says, “Speed Dating Today!” Ian (Unseen from inside the building) - And trust me, the farting is even worse at night. I’ve had to burn my sheets the next morning more than once.

    Lightning Round

    Apr 05, 2024

  • Panel One Ian is getting avocados at a grocery store, and a black woman approaches him. Woman - Excuse me? How tall are you? Ian looks non-plussed. - Uh….five six? Panel Two Same scene. Woman - Oh. My friends are setting me up with someone five nine, and you seem tall enough - so I guess I wouldn’t mind him. Ian - (says nothing, but looks bewildered) Panel Three Game Show stage. The title is “Is it Flirting?” Host - Well, what do you think? Ian - I’m going to say “No” - I’m pretty sure she just didn’t know what rulers are.

    One Imperial Ian

    Feb 07, 2024

  • Panel 1: Ian, Aly, and Sean are wrapping up lunch at the Deckhand. Ian: Somehow our lunch turned into an endurance eating competition. But I will finish this poboy even if it kills me. Panel 2: Ian has collapsed onto the table. Bus Boy: Can I get you guys any togo boxes? Sean: Actually, my brother will need a stretcher and defibrillation when you get a chance. Panel 3: Ian is getting shocked into consciousness in the background, his body arching from electrocution. The sound effect “ZZZZT” comes from the defibrillation paddles. In the foreground, another customer, an old lady, is looking at a menu and speaking to her waiter. Ian: SHRIMP Other customer: Hmm. I’ll have what that table is having.

    The Deckhand

    Dec 08, 2023

  • Sunday Format: Panel One Ian is moving to Texas. Narrator: How people view Texas Apartment Manager - Well welcome to your new home! How many guns do you need to register? Ian - Oh? I don’t have any. Panel Two The Clerk hands Ian a gun. Ian looks scared. Clerk - It's dangerous to go alone! Take this. Panel Three Ian is walking by a Dairy Hut. There’s a poster for a Churro Dipped Cone in the store window. Ian - What in tarnation? Panel Four Ian - Yaaah hoo! Ian is begins shooting two six shooters into the sky. Panel Five A cop responds, angrily holding out his hand while preparing to draw his own gun. Cop - Y’all need to lower your weapon and explain yourself! Ian - I just found out there’s Churro Dipped Cones at Dairy Hut! Panel Six The cop begins firing two sidearms into the air. Cop - What?! Panel Seven An old lady letting loose a tommy gun into the air. Her walker is in front of her Lady - Churro Cones Y’all! Panel Eight Narrator: How Texas actually is… Ian - If I buy an ice cream cone I probably can’t afford rent… …y’all.

    Churro Dipped Texas

    Oct 06, 2023

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Characters

Admiral Pop aliens art teacher Barber Bougainvillea Candidate Captain Ian Cheesy Cleaners Client climber Collin cow Cowboys Diplomats Doctor Dr. Bison Gary George Washington Harvey Hobbit Hurricane Ian Ian Inspirasaurus Jaws Learning Monster mole Mom Mr. Jumper Pokey Pop Priest Priestess Professor Mix Quinoa Cowboy Radioactive Turbo Sloth rock Santa Sean senator Susie The Mix Tourists Villagers Wagon

Locations

Amity Island apartment Art Class Austin Bagel Town Barber Shop body Bookstore Cafe Car Dealer Church Factory Florida Graveyard Grocery Store Hospital House kitchen mail room mall Medical School molehill Mountain movie theater North Pole Oak Bluffs Ocean Office outdoors park Plane Pool Restaurant School Space taxi Texas The Construct The Deckhand The Lair Tortilla Office United Nations Vale of Dunderhead Washington DC Wild West
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