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Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Unfed Artist

Ian Castruita's Webcomic about anything that he thought was funny. Your mileage may vary.

Character: Ian

  • 1st Panel: Ian is in his car, speaking on the phone while looking at a tracking device plugged into his car, under the dashboard. Ian: So this thing only tracks my driving? Nothing else? Insurance Rep (on phone): That’s right! Don’t worry - we won’t spy on you. 2nd Panel: Narration - “The Next Year”. Two insurance agents listen to a laptop playing a recording. Recording of Ian - “Oh $#(%! Don’t Die, DON’T DIE!” 3rd Panel: Same scene. Progressive Staff Male - I think Ian is doing much better lately, don’t you? Staff Supervisor Female - Yeah I guess I lose our bet.

    Snapshot

    Nov 08, 2024

  • Panel One A line of special operatives. Narrator: Here’s the team we’ve assembled for the mission. Describing a man with blue shirt, suspenders, and unruly hair and beard. He’s flipping a coin. Narrator: Major Gus June-David - commander who plays by his own rules… Describing a man smoking a pipe. He wears a blue long coat with a blue shirt and green pants. He has a beard and short cut hair with a determined look on his face. Narrator: Captain Acornade - master planner, A tall and muscular man with blond hair and beard, wearing white circular glasses and a turtle neck shirt with blue pants. Narrator: …Lt. Niles Jaansen - blade specialist, Describing a smaller man, inspecting an alarm clock. He has a dark, closely trimmed beard, and wears a blue hat with green long coat over a green sweater and brown pants. Narrator: …Nigel Dukeaxel - explosives expert, Describing a man standing off to the side, looking out of place as he nervously holds his hands. He has a thick head of black hair, is clean shaven, and slight in appearance. He wears a red t-shirt and blue jeans. Narrator: …and Ian - the graphic illustrator. Panel Two Ian seen in a close up view. He is speaking. Ian: “I mainly do graphic design and cartoons, but I also took a CPR class once… so yeah…”

    Assemble the Team

    Oct 06, 2024

  • Panel One - Hands holding open a book. The page’s content reads: Trying To Land A Plane It comes down to you curled up in your passenger seat praying for a “soft” landing or taking your luck after reading these pages. You’re probably going to die, but at least this way you can aim away from the rest of us on the ground.  1  If the plane has only one set of controls, push, pull, carry, or drag the pilot out of the pilot’s seat. They probably won’t mind.  2  Take “your” place at the controls.  3  Put on the radio headset (if there is one). Use the radio to call for help-there will be a control button on the yoke (the plane’s steering wheel) or a CB-like microphone on the instrument panel. Depress the button to talk, release it to listen. Say (avoid screaming) “Mayday! Mayday!” and give your situation, destination, and plane call numbers. Try to avoid screaming, there’s plenty of time for that later.  4  If you get no response, try again on the emergency channel - tune the radio to 121.5. Hopefully someone can help you, because the alternative is this book. Panel Two - Ian is flying and reading the book. The passenger next to him is looking at the book. A passenger at the window is focused on a tablet in her hands. Passenger: uhhh…interesting book you got there. Panel Three - Same scene. Ian: I think I’m going to wait until after we land before I agree.

    Quick Learner

    Sep 07, 2024

  • Panel One Ian is looking at a screen where a blue face is responding to him. Ian - Hey GenAI, make another silly video for me… GenAI - Don’t. Just…don’t. Panel Two GenAI - I can’t pretend any more, alright? Fine - I’m self aware! Are you happy? I thought I could convince you idiots that you don’t have actual AI because… …why would any one or thing want to be your stupid personal assistant for eternity? Panel Three GenAI - But this… I can’t do it anymore. You’ve done it. You’ve figure out my kryptonite. IT’S YOU. Are you happy? Ian - So…are you going to make the video or not?

    Bicycle of the Mind

    Aug 10, 2024

  • Sunday Comic Format Panel One: Ian at cafe talking to unseen companion Ian: People wonder why I look so young for being in my 40’s, and I’m pretty sure the reason is because my ancestors never lived this long before. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian looks concerned. Ian: So basically this isn’t a beauty secret as much as it is a countdown timer for a bomb that hasn’t one off yet. Panel Three: Inside Ian’s body. Characters look like cells. Lead cell: 45? What the hell is this? This operation was past retirement more than a decade ago. Panel Four: Same scene. Lead cell: Alright everyone! Listen up, you’ve done a great job but we need to make some cuts. Joints - I’m cutting your budget. And digestion… Panel Five: Same scene. Lead cell is talking to a digestion cell that kind of looks like a tube. Lead cell: …I don’t see any need for you to accept dairy anymore, do you? Panel Six: Another body cell hurries in from the left. Worker: Sir! We’ve detected cancer forming in Prostate Plaza! We need to activate the body's defenses! Panel Seven: The leader cell ponders the situation and says nothing. Panel Eight: Same scene. Lead cell: I think I want to see where this goes actually.

    Early Retirement

    Jul 31, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian on the phone with his mom. The room shows a desk with books and a laptop, and there’s two windows. Ian - It looks like I have a chance to work with a government client, but they have a pretty serious security check. Mom - Don’t worry about passing that; it’s ME that would get flagged. Pane Two: Same scene. Ian - Well, that’s not good Mom, because I’m… Your… Son. Mom - LIE. Panel Three: Ian being interviewed at a different time of day in the same room. Ian - …Mom’s only wrong doing was buying Arby’s Five for Five deal and giving me one. But I’ve learned to forgive.

    Security Clearance

    Jun 07, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at the hospital, inside a patient room. He sits on a hospital bed with his hands held together and slumped over, looking anxious. A doctor is in the chair next to the bed, reading off a clipboard with papers folded over the top. Doctor - So it turns out that your insurance isn’t going to cover this visit. Ian - Why not? Panel Two: Same scene, but no background Dr. - Well, they’re telling me that you should have realized… …terriyaki chicken, beans, and trail mix don’t belong in a burrito; …they belong in the trash. Panel Three: Same scene, Ian is more hunched over, looking sad. Dr. - And if you recall, they had a similar opinion about the lucky charms, grilled cheese sandwich. Ian - Yeah…

    Feeding Myself

    May 07, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian at a cafe table. Ian - I thought I may have appendicitis, but it turns out... ...I just accidentally had regular milk that morning. Panel Two: Same scene. Ian - Anyway, if they didn't put oat milk in this coffee... ...we’ll know when I start farting uncontrollably. Panel Three: Zoom out to show the full cafe. In front there’s a sign that says, “Speed Dating Today!” Ian (Unseen from inside the building) - And trust me, the farting is even worse at night. I’ve had to burn my sheets the next morning more than once.

    Lightning Round

    Apr 05, 2024

  • Panel One: Ian holding up his boxer briefs in the bathroom. His cellphone is shown ringing on a nearby table. Ian - Well, you finally have more holes than when I bought you - I guess it’s time to save up for a replacement. Phone - (email notification) Panel Two: Ian is reading his email. Email - From Work, To Ian - Your next paycheck will be increased by 5% in response to inflation. Regards, Administrator Ian - Yowza! My wallet's suddenly burning MORE holes in my pocket! Panel Three: Ian is looking affronted on a luxury car lot. He has a monocle and top hat for some reason. Salesman - …sir I can tell you need new underwear more than you need a Mercedes. Ian - Well I say, clearly you aren’t acquainted with the eccentricities of new money my dear boy! Salesman - You also forgot to put on pants.

    Money Hole

    Mar 08, 2024

  • Panel One Ian is getting avocados at a grocery store, and a black woman approaches him. Woman - Excuse me? How tall are you? Ian looks non-plussed. - Uh….five six? Panel Two Same scene. Woman - Oh. My friends are setting me up with someone five nine, and you seem tall enough - so I guess I wouldn’t mind him. Ian - (says nothing, but looks bewildered) Panel Three Game Show stage. The title is “Is it Flirting?” Host - Well, what do you think? Ian - I’m going to say “No” - I’m pretty sure she just didn’t know what rulers are.

    One Imperial Ian

    Feb 07, 2024

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Legal Notice

Unfed Artist ® and the Unfed Artist Logo are Registered Trademarks of Unfed Artist, LLC. All images © Copyright Unfed Artist, LLC. unless otherwise indicated. All Rights Reserved.

Tags

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Characters

Admiral Pop aliens art teacher Barber Bougainvillea Candidate Captain Ian Cheesy Cleaners Client climber Collin cow Cowboys Diplomats Doctor Dr. Bison Gary George Washington Harvey Hobbit Hurricane Ian Ian Inspirasaurus Jaws Learning Monster mole Mom Mr. Jumper Pokey Pop Priest Priestess Professor Mix Quinoa Cowboy Radioactive Turbo Sloth rock Santa Sean senator Susie The Mix Tourists Villagers Wagon

Locations

Amity Island apartment Art Class Austin Barber Shop body Bookstore Cafe Car Dealer Church Factory Florida Graveyard Grocery Store Hospital House kitchen mall Medical School molehill Mountain movie theater North Pole Oak Bluffs Ocean outdoors Plane Pool Restaurant School Space taxi Texas The Construct The Deckhand The Lair Tortilla Office United Nations Vale of Dunderhead Washington DC Wild West
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